FRANCE - A GUIDE FOR AMERICAN VISITORS

The Following Advice For American Travellers Going To France Was Compiled From Information Provided By The US State Department, The CIA, The US Chamber Of Commerce, The Food And Drug Administration, The Centers For Disease Control And Some Very Expensive Spy Satellites That The French Don't Know About. It Is Intended As A Guide For American Travellers Only.

General Overview
France Is A Medium-Sized Country Situated In The Continent Of Europe. It Is An Important Member Of The World Community, Though Not Nearly As Important As It Thinks. It Is Bounded By Germany, Spain, Switzerland And Some Smaller Nations Of No Particular Importance And With No Decent Shops.
France Is A Very Old Country With Many Treasures, Such As The Louvre And Euro Disney. Among Its Contributions To Western Civilization Are Champagne, Camembert Cheese And The Guillotine.
Although France Likes To Think Of Itself As A Modern Nation, Air Conditioning Is Little Used And It Is Next To Impossible To Get Decent Mexican Food. One Continuing Exasperation For American Visitors Is That The People Willfully Persist In Speaking French, Though Many Will Speak English If Shouted At. As In Any Foreign Country, Watch Your Change At All Times.

People
France Has A Population Of 56 Million People. 52 Million Of These Drink And Smoke (The Other 4 Million Are Small Children). All French People Drive Like Lunatics, Are Dangerously Over-sexed, And Have No Concept Of Standing Patiently In Line. The French People Are In General Gloomy, Temperamental, Proud, Arrogant, Aloof And Undisciplined; These Are Their Good Points.
Most French Citizens Are Roman Catholic, Though You Would Hardly Guess That From Their Behaviour. Many French People Are Communists. Men Sometimes Have Girls' Names Like Marie Or Michel, And They Kiss Each Other When They Meet.
American Travellers Are Advised To Travel In Groups And Wear Baseball Caps And Colourful Trousers For Easier Recognition.

Safety
In General, France Is A Safe Destination, Although Travellers Must Be Aware That From Time To Time The Country Is Invaded By Germany. Traditionally, The French Surrender Immediately And, Apart From A Temporary Shortage Of Scotch Whisky And The Increased Difficulty In Getting Baseball Scores And Stock Market Prices, Life For The American Visitor Generally Goes On As Before.
A Tunnel Connecting France To Britain Beneath The English Channel Opened, Making It Easier For The French Government To Flee To London In Case Of Future German Invasions.

History
France Was Discovered By Charlemagne In The Dark Ages. Other Important Historical Figures Are Louis XIV, The Huguenots, Joan Of Arc, Jacques Cousteau And Charles De Gaulle, Who Was President For Many Years And Is Now An Airport.

Government
The French Form Of Government Is Democratic But Noisy. Elections Are Held More Or Less Continuously And Always Result In A Draw. The French Love Administration, So For Governmental Purposes, The Country Is Divided Into Regions, Departments, Districts, Municipalities, Towns, Communes, Villages, Cafes, Booths, And Floor Tiles. Each Of These Has Its Own Government And Elections. Parliament Consists Of Two Chambers, The Upper And Lower (though Confusingly They Are Both On The Ground Floor), Whose Members Are Either Gaullists Or Communists, Neither Of Whom Should Be Trusted By The Traveller.
Parliament's Principal Occupation Is Setting Off Atomic Bombs In The South Pacific And Acting Indignant And Surprised When Other Countries Complain. According To The Most Current American State Department Intelligence, The President Is Now Someone Named Jacques. Further Information Is Not Available At This Time.

Culture
The French Pride Themselves On Their Culture, Though It Is Not Easy To See Why. All Their Songs Sound The Same, And They Have Hardly Ever Made A Movie That You Would Want To Watch For Anything But The Nude Scenes. And Nothing, Of Course, Is More Boring Than A French Novel.

Cuisine
Let's Face It, No Matter How Much Garlic You Put On It, A Snail Is Just A Slug With A Shell On Its Back. Croissants, On The Other Hand, Are Excellent, Though It Is Impossible For Most Americans To Pronounce This Word. In General, Travelers Are Advised To Stick To Cheeseburgers At Leading Hotels Such As Sheraton And Holiday Inn.

Economy
France Has A Large And Diversified Economy, Second Only To Germany's In Europe, Which Is Surprising Because The French Hardly Work At All. If They Are Not Spending Four Hours Dawdling Over Lunch, They Are On Strike And Blocking The Roads With Their Trucks And Tractors.
France's Principal Exports, In Order Of Importance To The Economy, Are: Wine, Nuclear Weapons, Perfume, Guided Missiles, Champagne, Guns, Grenade Launchers, Land Mines, Tanks, Attack Aircraft, Miscellaneous Armaments And Cheese.

Public Holidays
France Has More Holidays Than Any Other Nation In The World. Among Its 361 National Holidays Are: 197 Saints' Days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration Of Republic Days, 54 Return-of-Charles De Gaulle-in -triumph-as-if-he-won-the-war-single-handed-Days, 18 Napoleon Sent Into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back From Exile Days, And 112 France Is Great And The Rest Of The World Is Rubbish Days. Other Important Holidays Are National Nuclear Bomb Day January 12), The Feast Of St. Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), And National Guillotine Day (November 12).

Conclusion
France Enjoys A Rich History, A Picturesque And Varied Landscape, And A Temperate Climate. In Short, It Would Be A Very Nice Country If It Weren't Inhabited By French People. The Best Thing That Can Be Said For It Is That It Is Not Germany.

A Word Of Warning
The Consular Services Of The United States Government Are Intended Solely For The Promotion Of The Interests Of American Businesses Such As Sabre, McDonald's, Pizza Hut And The Coca-Cola Corporation. In The Event That You Are The Victim Of A Crime Or Serious Injury Involving At Least The Loss Of A Limb, Report To The American Embassy Between The Hours Of 5.l5 Am And 5.20 Am On A Tuesday Or Wednesday, And A Consular Official Who Is Supremely Indifferent To Your Plight Will Give You A List Of Qualified Dentists Or Something Similarly Useless.

Remember, No One Ordered You To Go Abroad. Personally, We Always Take Our Holidays At Miami Beach, And You Are Advised To As Well.

Thank You And Good Luck.