There Are Approximately Two Billion Children (Persons Under 18) In The World. However, Since Father Christmas Does Not Visit Children Of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish Or Buddhist (Except Maybe In Japan) Religions, This Reduces The Workload For Christmas Night To 15% Of The Total, Or 379 Million (Estimate). At An Average Census Rate Of 3.5 Children Per Household, That Comes To 108 Million Homes, Presuming There's At Least One Good Child In Each.

Father Christmas Has About 31 Hours Of Christmas Work With, Thanks To The Different Time Zones And The Rotation Of The Earth Assuming He Travels East To West. This Works Out To 967.7 Visits Per Second. This Is To Say That For Each Christian Household With A Good Child, Father Christmas Has Around 1/1000th Of A Second To Park The Sleigh, Hop Out, Jump Down The Chimney, Fill The Stocking, Distribute The Remaining Presents Under The Tree, Eat What Ever Treats That Have Been Left For Him, Get Back Up The Chimney, Jump Into The Sleigh And Get Onto The Next House.

Assuming That Each Of These 108 Million Stops Is Evenly Distributed Around The Earth (Which, Of Course, We Know To Be False, But Will Except For The Purposes Of Our Calculations), We Are Now Talking About 0.78 Miles Per Household; A Total Trip Of 75.5 Million Miles, Not Counting Bathroom Stops Or Breaks. This Means Father Christmas's Sleigh Is Moving At 650 Miles Per Second, 3,000 Times The Speed Of Sound. For Purpose Of Comparison, The Fastest Man Made Vehicle, The Ulysses Space Probe, Moves At A Pokey 27.4 Miles Per Second, And A Conventional Reindeer Can Run (At Best) 15 Miles Per Hour.

The Payload Of The Sleigh Adds Another Interesting Element. Assuming That Each Child Gets Nowt More Than Medium Sized LEGO™ Set (2lb) The Sleigh Is Carrying Over 500,000 Tons, Not Counting Father Christmas Himself. On Land, A Conventional Reindeer Can Pull No More Than 300 Pounds. Even Granting That The "Flying" Reindeer Can Pull 10 Times The Normal Amount, The Job Can't Be Done With Eight Or Even Nine Of Them- Father Christmas Would Need 360,000 Reindeer. This Increases The Payload, Not Counting The Weight Of The Sleigh, Another 54,000 Tons, Or Roughly Seven Times The Weight Of The QE2. A Mass Of Nearly 600,000 Tons Travelling At 650 Miles Per Second Creates Enormous Air Resistance - This Would Heat Up The Reindeer In The Same Fashion As A Spacecraft Re-Entering The Earth's Atmosphere.

The Lead Pair Of Reindeer Would Absorb 14.3 Quintillion Joules Of Energy Per Second Each. In Short, They Would Burst In To Flames Almost Instantaneously, Exposing The Reindeer Behind Them And Creating Deafening Sonic Booms In Their Wake. The Entire Reindeer Team Would Be Vaporised In 4.26 Thousands Of A Second, Or Right About The Time That Father Christmas Reaches The 5th House On His Trip. Not That It Matters, However, Since Father Christmas, As A Result Of Accelerating From A Dead Stop To 650 Mph In 0.001 Seconds, Would Be A Subject To Acceleration Forces Of 17,000G's. A 20 Stone Father Christmas (Which Seems Ludicrously Slim Considering The High Calorie Snacks He Must Have Consumed Over The Years) Would Be Pinned To The Back Of The Sleigh By 2,155 Tons Of Force, Instantly Crushing His Bones And Organs And Reducing Him To A Quivering Blob Of Pink Goo.
Therefore, If Father Christmas Did Exist, He's Dead Now...